that awkward time in my life when i feel like i don’t even know how to feel anymore… i feel like my emotions just control my body and there is nothing i can consciously do to fix it. i can’t even find a song to tell me how i’m feeling. it’s 3am and i know i won’t be sleeping for a while. not because i’m not tired. no. because i can’t turn my brain off. my mind is racing. how should i feel? what should i do? where do i go from here? who can i run to? how can someone else possibly understand how i feel if i don’t even understand my emotions, myself? i want summer to be here so i can figure myself out. but that’s scary. maybe i’m better off not understanding why i am the way i am. maybe i don’t want to know why i can’t focus. why i can’t sleep at night. why i get depressed on a cyclical basis. maybe i don’t want to find out why i am this way. maybe there is a reason my brain is hiding that piece of information from me. what do you do when the thing that could fix you also happens to be the thing could could break you? the thing that caused you to question your forgotten childhood. i just want to feel one solitary emotion. even if it is negative. it doesn’t matter because feeling something bad is better than not feeling anything at all.

found my wedding dress…

so. freaking. cute

really just wanna be curled up w a cup of hot coco, a good christmas movie and maybe a cute boy, too… but i’m so content right now listening to christmas music w two of my closest friends while we all pretend do school work :)

why doesn’t my house look like this right now?

all i want out of life… coffee and christmastime :) 

thedailywhat:

Coke Throwback of the Day: Celebrate Coca-Cola’s 125th anniversary in style with a limited edition reproduction of The Hutchinson — the popular soft drink’s very first container.

(May or may not contain original formula.)

[colossal.]

Gonna start rebloging and keeping up with this more often… me and my friend kaity are recently obsessed with coke. like, its a problem. sometimes after a long day at school i have such a craving that i will drive across the bridge to mcdonald’s just for the biggest coke i can get. and once i finish this post i can guarantee that i will be going down stairs to pour myself a glass. mmmm cant get enough. 

today was one of those days where i had a busy day at school and once i was done with that i came home and did absolutely nothing… and it was awful. i am no longer in control of my emotions. i feel like everywhere i go is a trap and i just want to get out. a day of nothingness was followed by a night of anxiety and thoughts i couldn’t control. thoughts that make me feel like i have no choice but to drink stolen alcohol and begin planning my death. thoughts that convince me that if i killed myself my friends and family would finally see just how bad things are with me. if i died tonight my room mates would notice how i was really feeling… and maybe they would care. these are thoughts that lead me to believe that the only way to fix things is to no longer exist. i have a friend - a room mate - rather, an acquaintance that deals with thoughts and anxiety similar to mine. the difference, though is that she has all the support in the world. practically the whole bcm knows that she is struggling right now and everyone is showing her that they care. everyone is lifting her up in prayer. everyone is giving her encouraging words all the time. one person in particular has actually made it her mission to help this acquaintance. she travels an hour away from her home several times a week to be here with this girl and the thing is - she hasn’t gotten better. she hasn’t changed. she is still stuck in this rut and it is honestly her own fault. i WANT to get better. i TRY to get better. i don’t HAVE everyone rooting for me. it just pisses me off because if i had half the support she had i would be so grateful. so willing. so much better. but i don’t and i don’t understand why. i am doing all the right things. i talk to people about stuff. i go to a counselor. i use techniques to get my mind off of things. but it isn’t working and nobody seems to notice or care. nobody asks me how i’m really doing. if i have something to share i have to be willing to just come out with it. but honestly, i’m done. i’m done talking without being asked. why should i spill my guts if nobody really cares? why do i have to come to a friend crying fro help when she has people coming to her offering her anything she needs? i’m just so over this. over radford. over bcm. over friends. i’m just over everything. i want to have fun again. i spend all of my time doing schoolwork or preparing for bcm things or making sure all of my friends are doing okay. when is someone going to stop and make sure i’m okay? when is someone not going to believe the smile i put on when i say, “i’m doing well”? when is someone going to come running to my room when they realize i have slept the entire day away? will they ever? or is it going to take a tragedy for them to wake up and realize the problems laid out right before their eyes?

i just need a break. i need fun. i need freedom. i want my summer back. i would do it so much differently if i could. i would have spent it with a part time job in arlington and full time fun with my best friends. i would have slept till noon and stayed up all night. i would have laughed constantly and cried only when the laughter became too much. i would have relaxed. rejuvenated myself from school. continued to build my relationship with God. and i would have ministered to my friends back home. i took last summer for granted having no idea what this semester would hold. i used it to experience new things when i should have spent it remembering how easy life can be and preparing myself for this semester. 

i just need easy living. a carefree sense of being. hopefully i can find that soon before i completely forget what real life is like.

not feeling the love tonight.